Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Mental Meltdown continues…I may be turning evil!

First, I have to say that I’m so blessed to have Sean because it takes a rare man to be able to put up with me, especially over the last few days. So now that I’m on a brief hiatus from school, I’ve actually had time to process just how horrible things are at work. My frustration, annoyance and indignation have reached a new peak over the last few days. Thus my irrational behavior of late to include being a blubbering idiot one minute and a hostile wench the next.

Poor Sean…the evening started out well. My sweetie got home from work and was nice enough to make dinner while I showered (even though he did flush the toilet while I was in the shower and burned the crap out of me). Now I know how the poor lobsters who are boiled alive feel. I was nice in turn and surprised him with a thoughtful sappy card congratulating him on his promotion at work. Yes, because I rock like that! :-)

I was pretty quiet most of the evening, which is a sure sign something is wrong with me. Hehe. However, when I know I’m being moody I feel the best thing to do is just to keep to myself rather than risk taking it out on someone else. So there I was being silent, not trying to be rude, just doing some mental processing of everything that has been weighing on me lately. Of course, per my usual routine, I was finally ready to chat as we were lying in bed preparing to go to sleep. It was about 11pm and Sean was pretty wiped out. However, I wanted to chat. Of course he just wanted to sleep and I was none to happy when he kept shushing me. It didn’t help either that I still have an annoying cough left over from when I was sick. It always worsens at night when I lay down. As evil as I’ve been the past two days, I was nice enough to go and sleep in the guest room last night, so I wouldn’t keep him up with my old lady hacking. So I left the room grumbling about how sleep should come secondary to my needing to talk and telling him he was being a ^&$#^#%^#^$#^%^$#. He grumbled something back equally obnoxious, but of course not a witty as mine. ;o)

Now, I’m never a ray of sunshine in the morning, but I was especially feisty this morning when he tried to wake me. This time it had nothing to do with the early hour of the day. Rather, I was busy making a mental checklist of all the reason why I shouldn’t and didn’t care to go to work. I even contemplated throwing myself down the stairs in the hopes of inflicting just enough injury to have me bedridden for a few days. Now mind you I didn’t want to inflict permanent injury on myself, just enough to not be able to do my work functions. The feeling of dread continued as I drove in to the office. It took every ounce of strength to resist the urge to turn around and head back home to the safety of my bed. Oh, how I’d love to just lay in it all day and pull the covers over my head.

Ok, now this is part where I begin to feel extremely guilty and like a horrible person. Sean called me and asked if everything was ok as I seemed depressed lately. I was so touched by the sweetness and caring concern of his call after what a rude bit*h I’d been this morning. And at the same time felt like a complete a$$hole. How can you be mean to that sort of person? I’m a horrid person, but in my defense I’m still adjusting to the whole concept of a healthy, normal relationship with a honest to goodness “good guy”. So evil Lisa slunk back into a corner and blubbering/venting Lisa takes her place. I told him about all the drama going on at work, something I should have done days ago instead of just being moody and sarcastic. He of course, was understanding and sympathetic. (Yet another reminder that I deserved a good kick in the butt.) If it provides any reassurance that really I am a good-hearted person, I did cry the entire way to work after talking to him. I felt so bad. As soon as I got in to the office I sent him a sappy “I’m sorry” Hallmark e-card and apologized for my evil wench behavior over the past 3 days.

So it got me to thinking, why is it that when we have a bad day we take it out on our significant others? I’d never dream of taking it out on my friends or pets. That’s so wrong! Yet, that didn’t stop me from dumping it all on poor Sean. I know I’m not the only that does it. I mean Sean has his a$$ moments too and has done it to me. But why do couples do that to each other at all? It’s a shame that the closer we feel to someone the less consideration we display at times. At the same time, we also expect our other half to display a greater level of tolerance to our unacceptable behavior.

So here I sit with egg on my face. Well deserved though, so I’ll suck it up and take the humiliation and learn from it. I really, really need to work harder to appreciate all the blessings in my life rather than focusing on the negatives. I also need to give more consideration to Sean than anyone else. It’s him and I against the world, we’re a team. If he’s kind enough to pick me up or carry me when I’m down- the least I owe him is to not trip him as he tries to help me up. :-)


Blogger West Coast Mia said...

What a sweet apology. You are not the only to person to treat your honey like crap over something that has nothing to do with him. I have found myself asking the same question of why did I do that. He doesn't deserve me acting this way. I think the reason we don't do it to pets and friends is that pets just love you and they can't try and have a conversation with you when your about to explode inside. You are with your honey way more than you ever are with your friends. Honey's tend to get on your nerves more because they are always there. We can always be nice for a day here and there for friends. I think that is why people should live together before getting married. All people have irritating habits so you need to find out if one persons bad habits put you over the edge. I just think when someone is around you all the time they tend to wear on you more. It isn't their fault always, because you can guarantee this works both ways. They look at you some days and go is this worth it. Relationships are the hardest job in the world. Love goes so far you have to actually work to make one last. There should be a lot of rewarding moments in between those bad ones. I think that you and Sean have a lot of rewarding moments and you make a great couple. Especially since you know when to back up and say I'm sorry for being a little sh*t. When I get an apology it makes me forget about what made me upset in the first place. Steve and I are good at getting into little tiffs and one of us walking up to each other and saying let's sqash this it is stupid. We hug and kiss and it is all better. We both let it go because we know if we really looked and what made us mad in the first place it was small and stupid. I love you and thanks for letting me babble on.

5/26/2005 6:25 PM  
Blogger LaLa Lisa said...

Haha! Babble away big sis. :) Sean thinks you should have your own blog with the long comments you write. I love your comments! How'd you get so wise, huh? I know you didn't get it from our family! Hehe. I know it's a common thing, I just feel really bad cause I know better. Also, you know how the quick temper and verbal assault runs in our genes. Thankfully, I think I've gotten a lot better about not blurting things out in the spur of the moment. I just remind myself how hurtful some of the stuff grams says can be, and that helps me keep myself in check. Even if the person is genuinely sorry afterwards, words can inflict so much damage. I never want to do that to someone I love. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. Sean and I are pretty good most of the time about talking stuff out. Usually, I come to my senses. He does the typical man thing and tries to work through it himself and fix it. Then gets cranky and I call him on it and finally he spills the beans about what's really wrong.

Hey, I just spent two hours cleaning my car inside and out. She looks so preeety now! I love my car clean. I've owned it a year and this is the first time I've washed it myself, normally Sean washes the cars. :) Yeah, he rocks (well most of the time)!

Love ya Miss Mia! *hugs*

5/26/2005 6:55 PM  

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