Thursday, May 19, 2005

Being held Captive by my Capris!

So during our vacation last summer to Florida to visit Sean’s delightful family, I went on a major Ann Taylor, later referred to as “AT”, shopping spree. Note to all AT fans, the clothes they sell at their Florida stores are even cuter than the ones here and cheaper. I know, completely unfair. Anyways, I had quite the grand time and bought sandals, suit jackets, summer blouses and several pairs of rather cute capri pants. Hey, a girl has to treat herself every so often! Well, just imagine my dismay when I went to my closet to put on one of my many cute pairs of AT capris and none fit.

Beige pair #1- Oh, I could squeeze my butt into them and was fine when standing, but had I dared sit, I would have busted the button. Said button was digging into my skin just standing up.

Olive pair #2- They don’t button, but rather sort of clip. Well, I could get the metal clips to meet- they were snug, but they closed. Again, went to sit and what foul sight should I see….a tummy roll hanging over the waistband…I know that’s quite a lovely mental image. So of course I quickly took of these horridly offensive pants.

Sassy black pair #3- Favorite pair by far! These aren’t AT, but rather come from some teeny bopper type shop I visited a couple of summers ago during a trip to Phoenix. Now, these pants rocked! They were my “going out and looking damn hot if I do say so myself” pants! Hugged the curves just right and best part- gave me the illusion of a perky, nice round butt! Rather than just a wide and flat one. Yes, many a men succumbed to my temptress ways when I wore these pants. Ha! Just teasing, I’m a good girl and as such would never pick up strange boys! :) Ok, now I’m realistic and know my “problem” areas and one of the few areas where I don’t seem to collect weight is my thighs. I even had a hard time getting these pants over my thighs, but I managed by lying on the bed. All girls have done this at some point in their lives. I rocked myself a few times on the bed and was finally able to stand up in them. Ok, so maybe I exaggerate a bit…haha. Now Sean would probably be thrilled if I wore them, but they’re just too hoochie for me now. These were always my sassy, but comfy pants. Now they’re my “skin tight no breathing, eating or drinking fluids with them on” pants. *Sigh*

So I’m officially depressed and dumbfounded. Given my hectic work/school schedule, I did slack off big time on the gym. Something had to give and that was the only thing that possibly could, so I’m not going to beat myself up too much. But I don’t get it….I recently stepped on a scale and was in my usual weight range. And since Kjersten was brave enough to give her #, I’ll fess up to mine. I usually fluctuate between 121 and 126 pounds or at least have over the last 3-4 years. Now, I am at the top of that fluctuation right now so about 126. The last time I weighed myself was probably 2 weeks ago at a friend’s house. We don’t have a scale because I already know I’m too neurotic to own one. :)

About four or so years ago I did get up to a personal high of 140’ish. Bad eating habits, depression, and lack of self-esteem from a bad relationship will do that to you. Now, that’s not a big #, but for someone of my minimal height and build it did not look good at all. I can’t wear it well. Five pounds looks like fifteen on my body. Sucks, but true and I know it and have come to resentfully accept it. Got rid of the relationship baggage, started therapy and Zoloft (godsend) and eating better. The weight just seemed to slip off. (Don’t be fooled this is the first time that I didn’t have to struggle and work hard for every pound lost.)

Ok, moment of honesty- maybe it wasn’t eating better, so much as not really eating. This is the only time in my life that my depression led me to a complete lack of appetite rather than the desire to eat everything that caught my line of sight. So my eating habits weren’t so good for a while there and a bit dangerous, but I came out of it as I got my life back on track. By that point, my weight was down to 110 or just under. I thought I looked fine, my doctor thought I was a walking eating disorder. Since I hardly weigh myself, even I was a bit surprised by that number. I hadn’t been that low since junior high and then it wasn’t because I was skinny, it was just because I was super short. Looking back now at pics of me when I weighed 110, I can see that for my frame I was too thin. It didn’t look healthy and my face was sunken in. So I by no means want to get down that low again. I really don’t have a goal as far as a weight #, I just want my clothes to fit comfortably and flatter my figure again. I want to tone up and get rid of the mini love handles/upper arm wings I have developed- getting older sucks. Now, I’m not writing this so every can say, “Oh, you’re so skinny. What are you talking about?" That’s sweet, but this isn’t just in my head as you may be thinking. Trust me, I see myself naked so I know that there is a difference- we’ll just say I’m more curvaceous then I’d like. :) I think my body has rebelled against me and decided to place a majority of my weight in my mid-section and upper arms. Well, no more! I’m taking my body back darn it!

So I’m going to do as the Frenchie book says and record for three weeks everything I eat. Also, I’m going to attempt to cut out or at least severely minimize the amount of sweets I eat. It’s already painful. I’ve developed the habit of getting a choc chip cookie with my breakfast (I know, so bad) and didn’t this morning. I’m now in severe cookie withdrawal, but I’m hanging in there. Upon finishing this post, I will go and make myself a nice cup of green tea to hopefully take the edge off. Yeah, probably won’t help, but I need to try something before I lash out at the next innocent bystander to cross my path. I’m so scared to see my food record because I know I eat a lot and often. But I love food! Food rocks and is one of the greatest pleasures in life! I adore going out to eat and am a complete dessert fanatic. So this will be interesting. Funny how the thought of getting into a bathing suit wasn’t able to motivate me, probably because it’s so rare that I find the need to wear one. But not fitting into my capris that is just completely unacceptable. I will get back into them and not need a shoehorn to do so.

I’ll keep you all posted….wish me luck…oh, and I’ll apologize now for any moodiness my sugar withdrawal causes. Hehe!

Let Operation Weight Loss aka OWL commence!


Blogger West Coast Mia said...

You are very skinny and beautiful. But I know that when your clothes don't fit right it makes you feel fatter than you really look. I fight the weight roller coaster all the time. I can't believe I weigh as much as I do now. I swore to myself if I ever weighed this much I would commit suicide. Well I am to chicken for that so it isn't even a concern. What if you really do go to hell if you do. A chance I am not willing to take. Plus I made myself this way. Nobody else did it for me. I have the choice to change it. I have lost about 26 lbs from my heaviest and have a zillion more to go. I do have to say right now I am staying at the same weight and not gaining which is a plus. I just have to get motivated again to lose some more weight. I hope to lose another 20 by the time I see you again. That gives me 3 months. The only thing that really saves me is that I am taller so it doesn't look as bad as it really is. Hang in there, I know you will fit into those capri's shortly. You have never been a slacker when it comes to self motivation. I envy you for that. Lot's of love and hugs, Mia

5/19/2005 11:34 AM  
Blogger West Coast Mia said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/19/2005 11:34 AM  
Blogger AnoniMs. said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! You look AMAZING and I mean it! But I do agree it is about how you feel...
So if you want to, come to a spin class with my Saturday AM. They are my new favorite! And I JUST recently got back "on the gym wagon" so we can work on it together!

5/19/2005 1:00 PM  

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